"A horse!" the elder man of physic cried, And there I saw a saddle and a bridle." ANON. THE FARMER AND THE COUNSELLOR. (From "Gaieties and Gravities.") A COUNSEL in the "Common Pleas,” In bullying, bantering, browbeating, So having tipped the wink to those Who kept their laughter bottled down, "Well, Farmer Numskull, how go calves at York?" Why-not, sir, as they do wi' you; "But on four legs instead of two:" "Officer!" cried the legal elf, Piqued at the laugh against himself, "Do pray keep silence down below there! "Our rustic waggish is, and quite laconic," “Why no, sir, no! we've got our share, HORACE SMITH. THE FARMER'S WIFE, AND THE GASCON. At Neuchâtel, in France, where they prepare Where they were made they sold for the immense But as salt water made their charms increase, This damsel had to help her in the farm, And such a glutton when you came to feed him, That Wantley's dragon, who ate barns and churches As if they were geese and turkeys, (Vide the ballad), scarcely could exceed him. One morn she had prepared a monstrous bowl And would'nt go to church (good careful soul!) So she gave strict injunctions to the Gascon Like my Lord Salisbury, he heaved a sigh, How I do envy you your lot!" Each moment did his appetite grow stronger; At length he could not bear it any longer, And finding that the coast was clear, he quaff'd Scudding from church, the farmer's wife But stood aghast, and could not for her life, Until she summoned breath enough to utter And shortly, with a face of scarlet, The vixen (for she was a vixen), flew Upon the varlet, Asking the when, and where, and how, and who, Had gulped her cream, nor left an atom; "The flies, you rogue! the flies, you guttling dog! "I'll make you tell another story quickly.' " So out she bounced, and brought with loud alarms, Who bore him to the judge-a little prig Like a red cabbage rose, While lots of white ones flourished on his wig. Looking both stern and wise, He turned to the delinquent, And 'gan to question him and catechise As to which way the drink went; Still the same dogged answers rise; The flies, my lord, the flies, the flies!" "Psha!" quoth the judge, half peevish and half pompous, Why you're non compos. "You should have watched the bowl as she desired, "And killed the flies, you stupid clown." What, is it lawful then," the dolt inquired, "To kill the flies in this here town?" "The man 's an ass-a pretty question this! "You 've my authority where'er you meet 'em, 66 If yonder blue-bottle (I know his face), "That stole the cream; let me come near it!" And aiming one of his sledge-hammer blows And gratified a double grudge; For the same catapult completely smashed HORACE SMITH. THE NEWCASTLE APOTHECARY. A MEMBER of the Esculapian line, Lived at Newcastle-upon-Tyne: No man could better gild a pill, Or mix a draught, or bleed, or blister; His fame full six miles round the country ran ; 6 Benjamin Bolus, though in trade, (Which oftentimes will genius fetter), Read works of fancy, it is said, And cultivated the "belles lettres." And why should this be thought so odd? Apollo patronizes physic. Bolus loved verse ;-and took so much delight in 't, All his prescriptions he resolved to write in 't. No opportunity he e'er let pass Of writing the directions on his labels He had a patient lying at death's door, Some three miles from the town, it might be four, And on the label of the stuff He wrote this verse, Which one would think was clear enough, And terse, "When taken, "To be well shaken." |