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Call himself barrister to every wench,
Large as the fields themselves, and larger far And woo in language of the Pleas and Bench ? Than civil codes, with all their glosses, are; Language, which Boreas might to Auster hold, So vast, our new divines, we must confess, More rough than forty Germans when they scold. Are fathers of the church for writing less.
Cursed be the wretch, so venal and so vain: But let them write for you, each rogue impairs Paltry and proud, as drabs in Drury-lane.
The deeds, and dexterously omits ses heires : 'Tis such a bounty as was never known,
No commentator can more slily pass
Over a learn'd unintelligible place :
Those words that would against them clear the
The lands are bought; but where are to be found For you he sweats and labours at the laws, Those ancient woods, that shaded all the ground ? Takes God to witness he affects your cause, We see no new-built palaces aspire, And lies to every lord in every thing,
No kitchens emulate the vestal fire. Like a king's favourite-or like a king.
Where are those troops of poor, that throng'd of These are the talents that adorn them all,
yore From wicked Waters e'en to godly **
The good old landlord's hospitable door? Not more of simony beneath black gowns,
Well I could wish, that still in lordly domes Not more of bastardy in heirs to crowns.
Some beasts were kill'd, though not whole hecatomba, In shillings and in pence at first they deal; That both extremes were banish'd from their walls, And steal so little, few perceive they steal:
Carthusian fasts, and fulsome bacchanals ; Till, like the sea, they compass all the land, And all mankind might that just mean observe, From Scots to Wight, from Mount to Dover strand. In which none e'er could surfeit, none could starve And when rank widows purchase luscious nights, These as good works, 'tis true, we all allow, Or when a duke to Jansen punts at White's, But, oh! these works are not in fashion now: Or city heir in mortgage melts away,
Like rich old wardrobes, things extremely rare, Satan himself feels far less joy than they.
Extremely fine, but what no man will wear. Piecemeal they win this acre first, then that,
Thus much I've said, I trust, without offence; Glean on, and gather up the whole estate;
Let no court sycophant pervert my sense, Then strongly fencing ill-got wealth by law, Nor sly informer watch these words to draw Indentures, covenants, articles they draw,
Within the reach of treason, or the law.
His title of barrister on every wench,
Piecemeal he gets lands, and spends as much time And wooes in language of the Pleas and Bench. ** Wringing each acre, as maids pulling prime.
Words, words which would tear In parchment then, large as the fields, he draws The tender labyrinth of a maid's soft ear:
Assurances, big as gloss'd civil laws,
Are fathers of the church for writing less.
Adds to Christ's prayer, the power and glory clause) Idly, like prisoners, which whole months will swear, But when he sells or changes land, he impaires That only suretiship had brought them there, The writings, and (unwatch'd) leaves out ses heires, And to every suitor lye in every thing,
As slily as any commentator goes by Like a king's favourite--or like a king.
Hard words, or sense ; or, in divinity, Like a wedge in a block, wring to the barre,
As controverters in vouch'd texts, leave out Bearing like asses, and more shameless farre Shrewd words, which might against them clear the Than carted whores, lye to the grave judge: for
doubt. Bastardy abounds not in king's titles, nor
Where are these spread woods which cloathed Simony and Sodomy in churchmen's lives,
heretofore As these things do in him; by these he thrives. Those bought lands? not built, nor burnt within door. Shortly (as th' sea) he'll compass all the land, Where the old landlords troops and almes? In halls From Scots to Wight, from Mount to Dover strand. Carthusian fasts, and fulsome bacchanals And spying heirs melting with luxury,
Equally I hate. Means bless'd. In rich men's homes Satan will not joy at their sins as he;
I bid kill some beasts, but no hecatombs; For (as a thrifty wench scrapes kitchen-stuffe, None starve, none surfeit so. But (oh, we allow And barrelling the droppings and the snuffe Good works as good, but out of fashion now, Of wasting candles, which in thirty year,
Like old rich wardrobes. But my words none draws Reliquely kept, perchance buys wedding cbeer) Within the vast reach of the huge statute's jawes.
And the wise justice starting from his chair WELL, if it be my time to quit the stage,
Cry, ‘By your priesthood tell me what you are?!
Such was the wight: the apparel on his back, Adieu to all the follies of the age! I die in charity with fool and knave,
Though coarse, was reverend, and though bare, was
black: Secure of peace at least beyond the grave.
The suit, if by the fashion one might guess, I've had my purgatory here betimes,
Was velvet in the youth of good queen Bess,
But mere tuff-taffety what now remain'd;
So time, that changes all things, had ordain'd!
Our sons shall see it leisurely decay,
First turn plain rash, then vanish quite away.
This thing has travell’d, speaks each language too,
And knows what's fit for every state to do;
Of whose best phrase and courtly accent join'd, Yet went to court!-the devil would have it so.
He forms one tongue, exotic and refined. But, as the fool that in reforming days
Talkers I've learn'd to bear; Morteux I knew,
Henley himself I've heard, and Budgel too.
The doctor's wormwood style, the hash of tongues Since 'twas no form’d design of serving God;
A pedant makes, the storm of Gonson's lungs, So was I punish'd, as if full as proud,
The whole artillery of the terms of war,
And all those plagues in one) the bawling bar; prone to ill, as negligent of good,
These I could bear; but not a rogue so civil,
Whose tongue will compliment you to the devil Who live at court, for going once that way!
A tongue that can cheat widows, cancel scores, Scarce was I enter'd, when, behold! there came
Make Scots speak treason, cozen subtlest whores,
With royal favourites in flattery vie,
And Oldmixon and Burnet both outlie.
He spies me out; I whisper, 'Gracious God!
What sin of mine could merit such a rod ?
That all the shot of dulness now must be
From this thy blunderbuss discharged on ine!!
• Permit,' he cries, 'no stranger to your fame Nay, all that lying travellers can feign. The watch would hardly let him pass at noon,
To crave your sentiment, if 's your name. At night would swear him dropp'd out of the moon;
What speech esteem you most ?' • The king's,' said I.
* But the best words ?'--'0, sir, the dictionary.' One, whom the mob, when next we find or make
* You miss my aim! I mean the most acute A popish ploš, shall for a Jesuit take,
And perfect speaker ?'—'Onslow, past dispute.'
SATIRE IV. WELL; I may now receive, and die. My sin 'Sir, by your priesthood, tell me what you are ?' Indeed is great; but yet I have been in
His clothes were strange, though coarse, and black, A purgatory, such as fear'd Hell is
though bare, A recreation, and scant map of this.
Sleeveless his jerkin was, and had it been My mind, neither with pride's itch, nor hath been Velvet, but 'twas now, (so much ground was seen) Poyron'd with love to see or to be seen;
Become tuff-taffaty; and our children shall I had no suit there, nor new suit to show,
See it plain rash a while, then nought at all. Yet went to court; but as Glare which did go The thing hath travail'd, and faith, speaks all To mass in jest, catch'd, was fain to disburse
tongues Two hundred markes which is the statutes curse, And only knoweth what to all states belongs, Before he scaped; so it pleased my destiny Made of the accents, and best phrase of all these Guilty of my sin of going) to think me
He speaks one language. If strange meats dis please, As prone to all ill, and good as forget
Art can deceive, or hunger force my taste; ful, as proud, lustful, and as much in debt, But pedants motly tongue, soldiers bumbast, As vain, as witless, and as false, as they
Mountebanks drug-tongue, nor the terms of law, Which dwell in court, for once going that way. Are strong enough preparatives to draw
Therefore I suffer'd this : towards me did run Me to hear this; yet I must be content
Outflatter favourites, or outlie either
Jovius, or Surius, or both together. Stranger than strangers: one who, for a Dane, He names me, and comes to me; I whisper, God, In the Danes' massacre had sure been slain, How have I sinn'd that thy wrath's furious rod, If he had lived then ; and without help dies, This fellow, chooseth me! he saith, 'Sir, When next the 'prentices 'gainst strangers rise; I love your judgment, whom do you prefer One, whom the watch at noon scarce lets go by: For the best linguist ?' and I seelily Ose, to whom the examining justice sure would cry, Said that I thought Calepine's dictionary.
* But, sir, of writers ?'—'Swift, for closer style,
Thus, others' talents having nicely shown,
Obliging sir! for courts you sure were made:
At this entranced, he lifts his hands and eyes,
| How elegant your Frenchmen! Mine d'ye mean?
Not, sir, my only, I have better still,
Wild to get loose, his patience I provoke,
He pass'd it o'er; affects an easy smile
He asks, 'What news?' I tell him of new plays,
Between each drop it gives, stays half a minute,
And gets an act of parliament to rob:
Nay, but of men, most sweet sir ?' Beza then, Are not your Frenchmen neat ?'Mine, as you see, Some Jesuits, and two reverend men
I have but one, sir, look, he follows me.' Of our two academies I named. Here
Certes they are neatly cloathed. I of this mind am, He stopp'd me, and said, “Nay your apostles were Your only wearing is your grogaram.' Good pretty linguists; so Panurgus was,
* Not so, sir, I have more.' Under this pitch Yet a poor gentleman; all these may pass
He would not fly: I chaff”d him : but as itch By travail.' Then, as if he would sold
Scratch'd into smart, and as blunt iron ground His tongue,
he praised it, and such wonders told, Into an edge, hurts worse: So, I (fool) found, That I was fain to say, 'If you had lived, sir, Crossing hurt me. To fit my sullenness, Time enough to have been interpreter
He to another key his style doth dress :
He adds, 'If of court life you knew the good, He takes my hand, and as a still, which stayes
As loth to enrich me, so tells many a ly.
what He like to a high-stretch'd lutestring squeaks, “O sir, A subtle statesman may gather of that "Tis sweet to talk of kings.' 'At Westminster,' He knows who loves whom : and who by poison Said I, “the man that keeps the Abbey-tombs, Hastes to an officer's reversion ; And for his price, doth with whoever comes Who wastes in meat, in clothes, in horse, he notes ; Of all our Harrys and our Edwards talk,
Who loveth whores * From king to king, and all their kin can walk: He knows who hath sold his lands, and now doth beg Your ears shall hear nought but kings ; your eyes meet a licence, old iron, boots, shoes, and eggeKings only: the way to it is King-street.'
Shells to transport; Hesmack'd, and cried, 'He's base, mechanique coarse, *
* shortly boys shall not play So are all your Englishmen in their discourse. | At span-counter, or blow-point, but shall pay
Shortly no lad shall chuck, or lady vole,
I quaked at heart: and, still afraid to see But some escising courtier will have toll.
All the court fillid with stranger things than he, He tells what strumpet places sells for life, Ran out as fast as one that pays his bail, What 'squire his lands, what citizen his wife : And dreads more actions, hurries from a jail. At last (which proves him wiser still than all) Bear me, some god! oh quickly bear me hence What lady's face is not a whited wall.
To wholesome solitude, the nurse of sense! As one of Woodward's patients, sick and sore, Where contemplation prunes her ruffled wings, I puke, 1 nauseate,—yet he thrusts in more: And the free soul looks down to pity kings ! Trims Europe's balance, tops the statesman's part, There sober thought pursued the amazing theme, And talks gazettes and postboys o'er by heart. Till fancy colour'd it, and form'd a dream. Like a big wife at sight of loathsome meat,
A vision hermits can to hell transport, Ready to cast, I yawn, I sigh, I sweat.
And forced e'en me to see the damn'd at court. Then as a licensed spy, who nothing can
Not Dante, dreaming all the infernal state, Silence or hurt, he libels every man;
Beheld such scenes of envy, sin, and hate. Sxears every place entail'd for years to come, Base fear becomes the guilty, not the free; In ure succession to the day of doom :
Suits tyrants, plunderers, but suits not me :
Shall I, the terror of this sinful town,
Who cannot flatter, and detest who can,
Thou, who since yesterday hast rollid o'er all
The busy, idle blockheads of the ball, I felt the infection slide from him to me;
Hast thou, oh Sun! beheld an emptier sort, As in the pos, some give it to get free;
Than such as swell this bladder of a court ? And quick to swallow me, methought I saw Now pox on those that show a court in wax! One of our giant statutes ope its jaw.
It ought to bring all courtiers on their backs : In that nice moment, as another lie
Such painted puppets ! such a varnish'd race Stood just a-tilt, the minister came by.
Of hollow gewgaws, only dress and face !
Of mercy now was come: he tries to bring
And says, 'Sir, can you spare me—?" I said, “WilToll to some courtier; and wiser than all us,
lingly!' He knows what lady is not painted. Thus
Nay, sir, can you spare me a crown?' Thankfully I He with home meats cloys me. I belch, spue, spit, Gave it, as ransom: but as fiddlers, still, Look pale and sickly, like a patient, yet
Though they be paid to be gone, yet needs will He thrusts on more, and as he had undertook, Thrust one more jigg upon you; so did he To say Gallo Belgicus without book,
With his long complimented thanks vex me. Speaks of all states and deeds that have been since But he is gone,
thanks to his needy want, The Spaniards came to the loss of Amyens. And the prerogative of my crown; scant Like a big wife, at sight of loathed meat,
His thanks were ended, when I (which did see Ready to travail : so I sigh, and sweat
All the court fill'd with more strange things than he) To bear this makaron talk: in vain, for yet,
Ran from thence with such, or more haste than one Either my humour, or his own to fit,
Who fears more actions, doth hast from prison. He, hike a privileged spie, whom nothing can
At home in wholesale solitariness Dacredit, rebels now gainst each great man. My piteous soul began the wretchedness He names the price of every office paid ;
Of suitors at court to mourn ; and a trance He saith our wars thrive ill, because delaid: Like his, who dreamt he saw hell, did advance That offices are entailed, and that there are
Itself o'er me ; such men as he saw there Perpetuities of them, lasting as far
I saw at court, and worse and more. Lo fear As the last day; and that great officers
Becomes the guilty, not the accuser : Then,
I more amazed than Circe's prisoners, when Fear frowns; and my mistress Truth, betray thee
No, no, thou which since yesterday has been
Almost about the whole world, has thou seen, To suck me in for hearing him: I found
O Sun, in all thy journey, vanity, That as burnt venemous leachers do grow sound Such as swells the bladder of our court ? I By giving others their sores, I might grow Think he which made your waxen garden, and Gailty, and be free: therefore I did show
Transported it from Italy, to stand All signs of loathing; but since I am in,
With us, at London, flouts our courtiers; for I must pay mine, and my forefathers sin
Just such gay painted things, which no sap, nor To the last farthing. Therefore to my power Taste have in them, ours are: and natural Toughly and stubbornly I bear; but the hower Some of the stocks are; their fruits bastard all.
See! where the British youth, engaged no more, Or should one pound of powder less bespread At Fig's, at White's, with felons, or a whore, Those monkey-tails that wag behind their head. Pay their last duty to the court, and come
Thus finish'd, and corrected to a hair, All fresh and fragrant, to the drawing-room; They march, to prate their hour before the fair. In hues as gay, and odours as divine,
So first to preach a white-gloved chaplain goes, As the fair fields they sold to look so fine.
With band of lily, and with cheek of rose, "That's velvet for a king ! the flatterer swears; Sweeter than Sharon, in immaculate trim, 'Tis true ; for ten days hence 'twill be king Lear's. Neatness itself impertinent in him. Our court may justly to our stage give rules, Let but the ladies smile, and they are blessid: That helps it both to fools' coats and to fools. Prodigious! how the things protest! protest ! And why not players strut in courtiers' clothes ? Peace, fools, or Gonson will for papist seize you, For these are actors too, as well as those : If once he catch you at your Jesu! Jesu! Wants reach all states: they beg but better dress'd, Nature made every fop to plague his brother, And all is splendid poverty at best.
Just as one beauty mortifies another. Painted for sight, and essenced for the smell, But here's the captain that will plague them both, Like frigates fraught with spice and cochincal, Whose air cries, Arm! whose very look 's an oath : Sail in the ladies : how each pirate eyes
The captain 's honest, sirs, and that 's enough, So weak a vessel, and so rich a prize!
Though his soul's bullet, and his body buff. Top-gallant he, and she in all her trim,
He spits fore-right; his haughty chest before, He boarding her, she striking sail to him :
Like battering rams, beats open every door:
Has yet a strange ambition to look worse :
For quoits, both Temple-bar and Charing-cross. But, oh! what terrors must distract the soul Scared at the grizly forms, I sweat, I fiy, Convicted of that mortal crime, a hole :
And shake all o'er, like a discover'd spy.
'Tis ten o'clock and past; all whom the mues, Of his each limb, and with strings the odds tries Baloun, or tennis, diet, or the stews
Of his neck to his leg, and waste to thighs.
So in immaculate clothes and symmetry
As a young preacher at his first time goes
To preach, he enters, and a lady which owes Their fields they sold to buy them. For a king Him not so much as good-will, he arrests, Those hose are, cried the flatterers: and bring And unto her protests, protests, protests, Them next week to the theatre to sell.
So much as at Rome would serve to have thrown Wants reach all states : me seems they do as well Ten cardinals into the Inquisition : At stage, as courts : all are players. Whoe'er looks And whispers by Jesu so oft, that a (For themselves dare not go) o'er Cheapside books, Pursuevant would have ravish'd him away Shall find their wardrobes, inventory. Now For saying our lady's Psalter. But 'tis fit The ladies come. As pirates (which do know That they each other plague, they merit it. That there came weak ships fraught with cutchanel) But here comes Glorious that will plague 'em both: The men board them : and praise (as they think) Who in the other extreme only doth well,
Call a rough carelessness good fashion : Their beauties ; they the men's wits; both are Whose cloak his spurs tear, or whom he spits on, bought.
He cares not, he. His ill words do no harm Why good wits ne'er wear scarlet gowns, I thought To him ; he rushes in, as if Arm, arm, This cause, these men, mens wits for speeches buy, He meant to cry: and though his face be as ill And women buy all red which scarlets dye. As theirs which in old hangings whip Christ, still He call'd her beauty lime-twigs, her hair net : He strives to look worse; he keeps all in awe; She fears her drugs ill lay'd, her hair loose set : Jests like a licensed fool, commands like law. Wouldn't Heraclitus laugh to sce Macrine
I leave this place, and but pleased so From hat to shoe, himself at door refine,
As men from gaols to execution go,
Those Askaparts, men big enough to throw
Charing-cross, for a bar, men that do know Feathers and dust, wherewith they fornicate ; No loken of worth, but queens man, and fine And then by Durer's rules survey the state | Living: barrels of becs, flaggons of wine.