Made all the royal stars recant,
Compound, and take the covenant?"
Quath Hudibras, "The case is clear
The sain's may' employ a conjurer,
As thou hast prov'd it by their practice;
No argument like matter of fact is:
And we are best of all led to
Men's principles by what they do.
Then let us straight advance in quest
Of this profound gymnosophist,
And, as the Fates and he advise,
Pursue or wave this enterprise."

This said, he turn'd about his steed,
And eftsoons on th' adventure rid;
Where leave we him and Ralph awhile,
And to the conjurer turn our style,
To let our reader understand
What's useful of him beforehand.

He had been long towards mathematics,
Optics, philosophy, and statics,
Magic, horoscopy, astrology,
And was old dog at physiology;
But as a dog that turns the spit
Bestirs himself, and plies his feet
To climb the wheel, but all in vain,
His own weight brings him down again,
And still he 's in the self-same place
Where at his setting out he was;
So in the circle of the arts
Did he advance his natural parts,
Till falling back still, for retreat,
He fell to juggle, cant, and cheat:
For as those fowls that live in water
Are never wet, he did but smatter;
Whate'er he labour'd to appear,
His understanding still was clear;
Yet none a deeper knowledge boasted,

Since old Hodge Bacon 3, and Bob Grosted 4.
Th' intelligible world he knew,

And all men dream on 't to be true,
That in this world there 's not a wart
That has not there a counterpart ;
Nor can there on the face of ground
An individual beard be found,
That has not, in that foreign nation,
A fellow of the self-same fashion;
So cut, so colour'd, and so curl'd,
As those are in th' inferior world.
He 'ad read Dee's' prefaces before,
The Devil, and Euclid, o'er and o'er;

3 Roger Bacon, commonly called Friar Bacon, lived in the reign of our Edward I. and for some little skill he had in the mathematics was by the rabble accounted a conjurer, and had the sottish story of the Brazen Head fathered upon him by the ignorant monks of those days.

Bishop Grosted was bishop of Lincoln, 20th Henry III. A. D. 1235. "He was suspected by the clergy to be a conjurer; for which crime he was deprived by pope Innocent IV. and summoned to appear at Rome." But this is a mistake; for the pope's antipathy to him was occasioned by his frankly expostulating with him (both personally and by letter) on his encroachments upon the English church and monarchy. He was persecuted by pope Innocent, but it is not certain that he was deprived, though Bale thinks he was.

5 Dee was a Welshman, and educated at Oxford, where he commenced doctor, and afterwards

6

And all th' intrigues 'twixt him and Kelly,
Lescus and th' emperor, would tell ye:
But with the Moon was more familiar
Than e'er was almanac well-willer;
Her secrets understood so clear,
That some believ'd he had been there;
Knew when she was in fittest mood
For cutting corns, or letting blood;
When for anointing scabs or itches,
Or to the bum applying leeches;
When sows and bitches may be spay'd,
And in what sign best cyder 's made;
Whether the wane be, or increase,
Best to set garlic, or sow pease;
Who first found out the man i' th' Moon,
That to the ancients was unknown;
How many dukes, and earls, and peers,
Are in the planetary spheres ;

Their airy empire and command,

Their several strengths by sea and land;

What factions they 'ave, and what they drive at
In public vogue, or what in private:
With what designs and interests
Each party manages contests.
He made an instrument to know
If the Moon shine at full or no:

That would, as soon as e'er she shone, straight
Whether 'twere day or night demonstrate;
Tell what her diameter to an inch is,

And prove, that she 's not made of green cheese.
It would demonstrate, that the man in
The Moon's a sea Mediterranean;

And that it is no dog nor bitch

That stands behind him at his breech,
But a huge Caspian sea, or lake,

With arms, which men for legs mistake;
How large a gulf his tail composes,

And what a goodly bay his nose is;
How many German leagues by th' scale
Cape Snout 's from Promontory Tail.
He made a planetary gin,

Which rats would run their own heads in,
And come on purpose to be taken,
Without th' expense of cheese or bacon.
With lute-strings he would counterfeit
Maggots that crawl on dish of meat;
Quote moles and spots on any place
O' th' body, by the index face;
Detect lost maidenheads by sneezing,
Or breaking wind of dames, or pissing;
Cure warts and corns, with application
Of med'cines to th' imagination;
Fright agues into dogs, and scare,
With rhymes, the toothach and catarrh;
Chase evil spirits away by dint
Of sickle, horse-shoe, hollow-flint;
Spit fire out of a walnut-shell,
Which made the Roman slaves rebel;
And fire a mine in China here,
With sympathetic gunpowder.
He knew whatsoever 's to be known,
But much more than he knew would own.
What med'cine 'twas that Paracelsus
Could make a man with, as he tells us;

travelled into foreign parts, in quest of chymistry,

&c.

6 Albertus Lascus, Lasky, or Alasco, prince palatine of Poland, concerned with Dee and Kelly.

138

What figur'd slates are best to make,
On watery surface, duck or drake;
What bowling-stones, in running race
Upca a board, have swiftest pace;
Whether a pulse beat in the black
List of a dappled louse's back;
If systole or diastole move
Quickest, when he 's in wrath or love;
When two of them do run a race,
Whether they gallop, trot, or pace;
How many scores a flea will jump,
Of his own length, from head to rump,
Which Socrates and Chærephon
In vain assay'd so long agone:
Whether a snout a perfect nose is,
And not an elephant's proboscis;
How many different specieses

Of maggots breed in rotten cheeses;
And which are next of kin to those
Engender'd in a chandler's nose;
Or those not seen, but understood,
That live in vinegar and wood.

A paltry wretch he had, half-starv'd,
That him in place of zany serv'd,
Hight Whachum 7, bred to dash and draw,
Not wine, but more unwholesome law:

To make 'twixt words and lines huge gaps,
Wide as meridians in maps;

To squander paper, and spare ink,

Or cheat men of their words, some think.
From this, by merited degrees,
He'd to more high advancement rise,
To be an under-conjurer,

Or journeyman astrologer:

His business was to pump and wheedle,
And men with their own keys unriddle:

To make them to themselves give answers,
For which they pay the necromancers;
To fetch and carry intelligence

Of whom, and what, and where, and whence,
And all discoveries disperse

Among th' whole pack of conjurers;
What cut-purses have left with them,
For the right owners to redeem,
And what they dare not vent, find out,
To gain themselves and th' art repute;
Draw figures, schemes, and horoscopes,
Of Newgate, Bridewell, brokers' shops,
Of thieves ascendant in the cart,
And find out all by rules of art;
Which way a serving-man, that's run
With clothes or money away, is gone;
Who pick'd a fob at holding forth,
And where a watch, for half the worth,
May be redeem'd; or stolen plate
Restor'd at conscionable rate.
Beside all this, he serv'd his master
In quality of poetaster,

And rhymes appropriate could make
To every month i' th' almanac ;
When terms begin and end could tell,
With their returns, in doggerel;

When the Exchequer opes and shuts,
And sowgelder with safety cuts;
When men may eat and drink their fill;
And when be temperate, if they will;
When use, and when abstain from vice,
Figs, grapes, phlebotomy, and spice.
And as in prison mean rogues beat
Hemp for the service of the great,
So Whachum beat his dirty brains
T' advance his master's fame and gains,
And, like the Devil's oracles,

Put into doggerel rhymes his spells;
Which, over every month's blank page
I' th' almanac, strange bilks presage.
He would an elegy compose
On maggots squeez'd out of his nose;
In lyric numbers write an ode on
His mistress, eating a black-pudden;
And, when imprison'd air escap'd her,
It puft him with poetic rapture.
His sonnets charm'd th' attentive crowd,
By wide-mouth'd mortal troll'd aloud,
That, circled with his long-ear'd guests,
Like Orpheus look'd among the beasts:
A carman's horse could not pass by
But stood ty'd up to poetry;
No porter's burthen pass'd along,
But serv'd for burthen to his song:
Each window like a pillory appears,
With heads thrust through, nail'd by the ears;
All trades run in as to the sight

Of monsters, or their dear delight
The gallow-tree, when cutting purse

Breeds business for heroic verse;

Which none does hear but would have hung
T' have been the theme of such a song.
Those two together long had liv'd,

In mansion prudently contriv'd,
Where neither tree nor house could bar
The free detection of a star;

And nigh an ancient obelisk

Was rais'd by him, found out by Fisk,
On which was written, not in words,
But hieroglyphic mute of birds,
Many rare pithy saws, concerning
The worth of astrologic learning:
From top of this there hung a rope,
To which he fasten'd telescope,
The spectacles with which the stars
He reads in smallest characters.
It happen'd as a boy, one night,
Did fly his tarsel of a kite,

The strangest long-wing'd hawk that flies,
That, like a bird of Paradise,

Or herald's martlet, has no legs,
Nor hatches young ones, nor lays eggs;
His train was six yards long, milk-white,
At th' end of which there hung a light,
Enclos'd in lantern made of paper,
That far off like a star did appear:

8 Mr. Butler alludes to one Fisk, of whom Lilly observes, that he was a licentiate in physic, and born near Framlingham in Suffolk; was bred at a country school, and designed for the university, but went not thither, studying physic and astrology at home, which afterwards he practised at Colchester; after which he came to London, and prac tised there.

This Sidrophel by chance espy'd,
And with amazement staring wide,
"Bless us!" quoth he, "what dreadful wonder
Is that appears in Heaven yonder?
A comet, and without a beard!
Or star that ne'er before appear'd?
I'm certain 'tis not in the scrow!

Of all those beasts, and fish, and fowl,
With which, like Indian plantations,
The learned stock the constellations;
Nor those that drawn for signs have been
To th' houses where the planets inn.
It must be supernatural,

Unless it be that cannon-ball

That, shot i' th' air point-blank upright,
Was borne to that prodigious height
That, learn'd philosophers maintain,
It ne'er came backwards down again,
But in the airy region yet

Hangs, like the body of Mahomet :
For if it be above the shade

That by the Earth's round bulk is made,
'Tis probable it may, from far,
Appear no bullet, but a star."

This said, he to his engine flew,
Plac'd near at hand, in open view,
And rais'd it till it levell'd right
Against the glow-worm tail of kite:

Then peeping through, "Bless us!" quoth he,
"It is a planet, now, I see;

And, if I err not, by this proper
Figure, that's like tobacco-stopper,
It should be Saturu: yes, 'tis clear

'Tis Saturn; but what makes him there?
He's got between the Dragon's tail
And further leg behind o' th' Whale;
Pray Heaven divert the fatal omen,
For 'tis a prodigy not common,

And can no less than the world's end,
Or Nature's funeral, portend."
With that he fell again to pry,
Through perspective, more wistfully,
When, by mischance, the fatal string,
That kept the towering fowl on wing,
Breaking, down feel the star. "Well shot,"
Quoth Whachum, who right wisely thought
He 'ad levell'd at a star, and hit it;
But Sidrophel, more subtle-witted,
Cry'd out, "What horrible and fearful
Portent is this, to see a star fall?
It threatens Nature, and the doom
Will not be long before it come!
When stars do fall, 'tis plain enough
The day of judgment 's not far off;
As lately 'twas reveal'd to Sedgwick 9,
And some of us find out by magic;
Then, since the time we have to live
In this world 's shorten'd, let us strive
To make our best advantage of it,
And pay our losses with our profit."
This feat fell out not long before
The knight, upon the forenam'd score,

9 William Sedgwick, a whimsical enthusiast, sometimes a presbyterian, sometimes an independent, and at other times an anabaptist; sometimes a prophet, and pretended to foretel things, out of the pulpit, to the destruction of ignorant people; at other times pretended to revelations; and, upon pretence of a vision that doomsday was at hand,

In quest of Sidrophel advancing,
Was now in prospect of the mansion;
Whom he discovering, turn'd his glass,
And found far off 'twas Hudibras.

"Whachum," quoth he, "look yonder, some To try or use our art are come:

The one's the learned knight:-seek out,
And pump them what they come about."

Whachum advanc'd, with all submiss'ness
T'accost them, but much more their business:
He held a stirrup, while the knight
From leathern Barebones did alight;
And, taking from his hand the bridle,
Approach'd, the dark squire to unriddle.
He gave him first the time o' th' day,
And welcom'd him, as he might say:

He ask'd him whence they came, and whither
Their business lay? Quoth Ralpho, "Hither."
"Did you not lose?"-Quoth Ralpho, "Nay."
Quoth Whachum, "Sir, I meant your way
Your knight-" Quoth Ralpho, "Is a lover,
And pains intolerable doth suffer;

For lovers' hearts are not their own hearts,
Nor lights, nor lungs, and so forth downwards."
"What time?"-Quoth Ralpho, "Sir, too long,
Three years it off and on has hung."

Quoth he, "I meant what time o' the day 'tis."
Quoth Ralpho, "Between seven and eight 'tis."
Why then," quoth Whachum, " my small art

66

Tells me the dame has a hard heart,

Or great estate." Quoth Ralpho, "A jointer, Which makes him have so hot a mind t' her." Meanwhile the knight was making water,

Before he fell upon the matter;

Which having done, the wizard steps in,
To give him suitable reception;
But kept his business at a bay,
Till Whachum put him in the way;
Who having now, by Ralpho's light,
Expounded th' errand of the knight,
And what he came to know, drew near,
To whisper in the conjurer's ear;
Which he prevented thus: "What was 't,"
Quoth he, "that I was saying last,
Before these gentlemen arriv'd?"

Quoth Whachum, "Venus you retriev'd,
In opposition with Mars,

And no benign and friendly stars

T'allay the effect." Quoth wizard, "So! In Virgo? Ha!" Quoth Whachum, "No." "Has Saturn nothing to do in it?" "One tenth of 's circle to a minute!" ""Tis well," quoth he.-" Sir, you'll excuse This rudeness I am forc'd to use;

It is a scheme and face of heaven,

As th' aspects are dispos'd this even,

I was contemplating upon

When you arriv'd; but now I've done."
Quoth Hudibras, "If I appear
Unseasonable in coming here
At such a time, to interrupt
Your speculations, which I hop'd

he retired to the house of sir Francis Russel in Cambridgeshire; and, finding several gentlemen at bowls, called upon them to prepare for their dissolution; telling them, that he had lately received a revelation that doomsday would be some day the week following. Upon which they ever after called him Doomsday Sedgwick.