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TO DR. ARBUTHNOT.
Advertisement. This paper is a sort of bill of complaint, hegun many years
since, and drawn up by snatches, as the several occasions offered. I had no thoughts of publishing it, till it pleased some persons of rank and fortune (the authors of Verses to the Imitator of Horace,' and of an · Epistle to a Doctor of Divinity from a Nobleman at Hampton-Court'] to attack, in a very extraordinary manner, not only my writings (of which, being public, the public is judge) but my person, morals, and family ; whereof, to those who know me not, a truer information may be requisite. Being divided between the necessity to say something of myself, and my own laziness to undertake so awkward a task, I thought it the shortest way to put the last hand to this epistle. If it have any thing pleasing, it will be that by which I am most desirous to please, the trath and the sentiment: and if any thing offensive, it will be only to those I am least sorry to
offend, the vicious or the ungenerous. Many will know their own pictures in it, there being not a
circumstance but what is true ; but I have, for the most part, spared their names, and they may escape being
laughed at if they please. I would have some of them know, it was owing to the request
of the learned and candid friend, to whom it is inscribed, that I make not as free use of theirs as they have done of mine. However, I shall have this advantage and honour on my side, that whereas, by their proceeding, any abuse may be directed at any man, no injury can possibly be done by mine, since a nameless character can never be found out but by its truth and likeness.
P. • Shut, shut the door, good John! (fatigued,
The dog-star rages! nay, 'tis past a doubt
Is there a parson much bemused in beer, A maudlin poetess, a rhyming peer, A clerk foredoom'd his father's soul to cross, Who pens a stanza when he should engross? Is there who, lock'd from ink and paper, scrawls With desperate charcoal round his darken'd walls? All fly to Twit'nam, and in humble strain Apply to me to keep them mad or vain. Arthur, whose giddy son neglects the laws, Imputes to me and my damn'd works the cause : Poor Cornus sees his frantic wife elope, And curses wit, and poetry, and Pope.
Friend to my life! (which did not you prolong, The world had wanted many an idle song) What drop or nostrum can this plague remove? Or wbich must end me, a fool's wrath or love? A dire dilemma! either way I'm sped; If foes, they write; if friends, they read me dead. Seized and tied down to judge, how wretched I! Who can't be silent, and who will not lie.
To laugh were want of goodness and of grace,
This saving counsel, “Keep your peace nine years.'
Three things another's modest wishes bound; • My friendship, and a prologue, and ten pound.'
Pitholeon sends to me: “You know his grace: I want a patron; ask him for a place Pitholeon libell'd me But here's a letter Informs you, sir, 'twas when he knew no better, Dare you refuse him ? Curll invites to dine; He'll write a journal, or be 'll turn divine.' Bless me! a packet.-—'Tis a stranger sues, A virgin tragedy, an orphan Muse.' If I dislike it, · Furies, death, and rage ! If I approve, · Commend it to the stage.' There (thank my stars) my whole commission ends, The players and I are, luckily, no friends. [it, Fired that the house rejects him, “'Sdeath, I'll print And shame the fools—your interest, sir, with
Lintot. Lintot, dull rogue, will think your price too much: · Not, sir, if you revise it, and retouch. All my demurs but double his attacks; At last he whispers, ' Do, and we go snacks.'
Glad of a quarrel, straight I clap the door; ' • Sir, let me see your works and you no more.'
'Tis sung, when Midas' ears began to spring, (Midas, a sacred person and a king) His very minister who spied them first (Some say his queen) was forced to speak or burst. And is not mine, my friend, a sorer case, When every coxcomb perks them in my face? A. Good friend, forbear! you deal in dangerous
things; I'd never name queens, ministers, or kings; Keep close to ears, and those let asses prick, 'Tis nothing.-P. Nothing ! if they bite and kick? Out with it, Dunciad! let the secret pass, That secret to each fool, that he's an ass: The truth once told (and wherefore should we lie?) The queen of Midas slept, and so may I.
You think this cruel? take it for a rule, No creature smarts so little as a fool. Let peals of laughter, Codrus, round thee break, Thou unconcern’d canst hear the mighty crack: Pit, box, and gallery, in convulsions hurl'd, Thou stand’st unshook amidst a bursting world. Who shames a scribbler ? break one cobweb
through, He spins the slight self-pleasing thread anew : Destroy his fib, or sophistry, in vain ; The creature's at his dirty work again, Throned on the centre of his thin designs, Proud of a vast extent of Aimsy lines ! Whom have I hurt? has poet yet or peer Lost the arch'd eyebrow or Parnassian sneer? And has not Colley still his lord and whore? His butchers Henley? his free-masons Moore ?
Does not one table Bavius still admit?
One dedicates in high heroic prose,
There are who to my person pay their court:-
Just so immortal Maro held his head :'
Why did I write? what sin to me unknown