FIAT JUSTITIA. THE QUALITY OF MERCY.-A 1. REGAL-IA. THE FAVOURITE MONARCH-Smo-King. TO THE "ACCEPTED." A GREAT SOCIAL WEAPON.-The Masonic Club. CELESTIAL. THE SECOND LIFE GUARDS."-Angels! JOURNALISTIC. A CHEAP QUARREL.-"Twenty Words for Sixpence." OINTMENT. A PILLAR OF THE STATE.-Professor Holloway. UNDER THE CLOCK. A (K)NIGHT WATCH-MAN.-Sir John Bennett. FROM THE COOPER-AGE. THE PRINCE of TEAS.-Honesty. DI-URNAL. JUDSON, whose Dyes such satisfaction give. Lives but to die, although he dyes to live. NEWS. The Daily Noose-Matrimony. The Daily Nuisance-Matter o' Money. PAD-DING. Whoever saw a worse-drawn Ad. To men of taste 'tis really sad; So 'tis to me a Litho' lad! Who signs himself for rhyme's sake-" CAD." When five years of age grand-dad sent to the Show, Rejected he was (a most unus'al thing!) For 3 friends said his "picture was fine!" Chorus-So he lived upon credit-tick, tick, tick; He could'nt sell his picture, so he lived upon tick: THE NATURAL HISTORY OF POPULAR MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS. "The man that hath no music in himself, nor is not moved with concord of sweet sounds, is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils."-Shakespeare. THE HURDY-GURDY. A very little Hurdy-Gurdy goes a long way. The same may be said of a very little Hurdy-Gurdy boy. In fact few boys go farther from their mother than those plausible little Savoyards, who turn an honest penny by the handle of their instruments, and eke out a precarious existence by the sweat of their hurdy-gurdy. The sole-stirring sound of the Gurdy makes its performer dance for joy. When otherwise he dances for a living! Living is with him a necessity. "Home, sweet Home!" from a hurdy-gurdy, falls doubly effective upon the tympanum of a sympathetic ear. With the sentiment of " Home, sweet Home" I have always been smitten-and have had cause to regret that an instrument which so feelingly displays its love for homeshould have ever been induced to leave it. I am not fond of the homes of others, no matter however humble. Few, if any instruments, are quieter than the hurdygurdy when they are not played upon. I like them if only for that! THE BAGPIPES. Bagpipes are, I am assured, quite at home on their native heaths. I should not pine away on their account if they had remained there. I approve of them most when they are unmolested. We have no other instrument like them in the main. Other instruments are glad of this. So am I. A too-old-to-be-played Bagpipe, always receives my thanks for what it has not done. I like good intentions. The devouring moth at times practices the art of penetration on the Bag of these instruments. I would not prevent the free exercise of the moth's tastes in this Cerdirection for worlds. We must all live, if we can. tainly. Though I am fond of a gun, I never shot a bagpipes. Bagpipes are fit instruments of war. Peace and Bagpipes are an impossibility. A foreign foe is easily scared by them, especially if that foe be fond of music. The most flourishing teacher of Bagpipes who ever died, had but two pupils-one in each eye. He was poor, and lived on his instrument. I have never tasted a boiled one. One Bagpipes in each room of a private house generally suffices. Like the art of glass-staining-that of tuning Bagpipes is lost. That being so, it is a pity the instrument survives on its merits. Yes! A bed-ridden Bagpipes always induces hilarity in me. I am of a strange nature evidently! Good night! THE CLARIONETTE. The Clarionette, especially when abused by a member of an itinerant German Band, may be fairly considered as but spasmodic in the emission of its most tuneful sounds. There is an asserting ambition in Clarionettes--they will be heard. Twenty Clarionettes in a small band generally have it all their own way. This has been proven. They are the only instruments which deaf people can hear when plaved soft. The poet who said, "Many instruments are played but few clarionettes are chosen," was a truth teller. When a reckless Clarionette has its own way, I always regret that I cannot have mine also! In musical descriptive battle-pieces, about a hundred clarionettes-blown haphazard, by strong-lunged menwithout doubt, would amply illustrate the cries of a few of the wounded-even if that few were of the noisiest and most hurt regiment. ICKENS'S Dictionary DI 1 even of London with all its wonderful-bulk, small type, and perfection of condensation, does not contain everything. There is a social club yclept the "Lark-pie," whose gatherings are held monthly at an inn-famous-I mean a famous inn-at Newgatestreet, E.C., not mentioned in Dickens's wonderful Shilling's-worth, at whose festive board the bonne bouche is a pie of larks. At these meetings, composed of "press-men" and friends, the following "Anthem" is not unfrequently sung. The chairman gives out a verse in extenso, the pianoforte presider plays the solemn tune-"We've got no work to do-00-00;" the chairman then repeats the first two lines of the verse-and the stentorian voices of the many members of the Club join in á la the good old chapel-going times. Judging from the correspondence upon our table, so many of our readers take interest in antiquarian and club lore that we freely give place to the following: The lark sings high up in the sky. He whistles just when he's inclined, Larks wake the sluggard from his sleep, Larks little think when high they soar. How very nice they are to men, 'Tis pleasing then to be a lark, But not to be entrapped nor shot, See when the chairman cuts the pie, With appetite so ripe, Larks think themselves "convivial birds," They smoke without a pipe! If any social-minded lark, Would only fly in here, And sing his song, we'll show to him, TO CORRESPONDENTS. SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER. We neither know the ages of the children at the gathering, you refer to, nor the quantity of plums used in the cakes and buns eaten by them. IGNORAMUS-The father of jokes was Jo-Cose. He studied the fundaments of phonics when but an infant. To quote a cockney of the period-"He 'vas a 'vunderful fund o' fun to the funny 'vons of Phonoecia, who presented him with an elephant." During the Punic war he studied geoponics, and, it is stated, made his first home-spun pun-but this is open (no pun) to doubtfor which he got his head punctiliously punched. His last words, reported by a short & writer of the period, were While I lived 1 joked, Now I die I'm choked. See Lampray's 3rd Classical Dictionary. "NOON-A HARMONY IN BLACK," By Engine Whistler, Esq. By the courtesy of a gentleman, whose name we are pledged not to make public, we have been favoured with a private view of the above-named exquisite work of art. The subject being local, and well known to railway travellers, we have much pleasure in giving, regardless of cost, this beautifully-executed fac simile. It is almost needless to say that it is an authentic view of that part of the Farringdon-Street Railway Tunnel where passenger trains seem to "stop short never to go again," &c. It is proposed to purchase the original drawing by subscription, a la the "Beaconsfield Wreath," and present it to the first traffic manager who can prove his claim thereto. Subscriptions in aid of this fund will be received by "Yours truly," but no receipt will be given. PROPOSED RAILWAY ALTERATIONS FOR EVER. 1.-Trains will not arrive and depart at the time stated on the company's time bills. 2.-To prevent confusion, tickets will be issued before the trains are about to start. 3.-Mail trains will hereafter carry females. 4. For the convenience of passengers, a good fire will be kept in the 3rd class waiting rooms during the Summer months, which are likely to come in the middle of Winter, thanks to the Americans. 5.-To delay time, there will be a scarcity of change at the booking-office. 6.-Passengers by the up-trains are requested to look for their luggage in the vans of the down-trains, and vice versa. This will not prevent confusion when two trains are due at one time. 7. For convenience-railway time will be kept slightly in advance of all other time,-though the counterpart of return tickets will not be received as payment of cab fares. 8.-The above alterations will be strictly carried out with regard to the last train. 9.-Junior clerks in booking-offices will in future not issue tickets to ladies,-until the applicant has knocked the knuckles off her gloves, or made more than three visible indentations with the coin she is prepared to pay the cost of her ticket. 10. The arrival signal of the main line trains will in future be the departure signal for the branch lines. 11.-In consequence of the long time occupied in short journeys, the directors have consented to permit passengers to provide themselves with refreshments. 12.-Trains will travel at a lame-donkey-power,-to enable those who journey on the line not more than seven days a week, an opportunity of admiring the delightful tunnels through which the railway passes. 13.-Bridges desirous of leaving the service of the company, are requested to intimate the same at the nearest hospital, that the consequences may be prepared for. 14.-For the accommodation of tourists, tickets available for one month, will be issued between all Stations within half-a-mile of each other. 15.-No information may be obtained of the porters. 16.-Season-Ticket holders are requested to wear their tickets outside their coats on the right-hand side of the left breast, as an acknowledgment of the good service they are rendering to the company,-by paying their dues in advance. The May-time had changed to Summer. The cynic may sneer at the feeling, She grew with the Summer's fruitage. It was hard to mark, and still harder Ah, no! she was called, and left us- IV. At last-how well I remember The long and lingering night, And then when the desolate morning To blossom beyond the stars. It was hard to bow in submission, The white little baby face. Only one thought could comfort. By the waters of Palestine He spake, who bade the children When he stretched out hands of blessing— "Of such is the kingdom of God." Winged Arroira DEEIN BE INCHES. A'm deein be inches tha knaws weel enouf, A'm a get aght road as soonin az I like- Goa fetch me that bottle ov fizzick daan stairs, An' bring me that noggin ov gin; I really feel ready ta faint inta t'earth- I couldn't quite finish them two mutton-chops, A'm az weak az wumman can be; I hav all soarts ov pains flyin' right thro' ma boans.. But then tha's noa pity for me. A'l try and get t' doctor to giv me a chainge Sich pain I noa longer can bide ; A mun hev sum owd port to strenthen me up.. An hed a stiff neck an saand e me heard, Pray keep aght that draft-I feel all on a sweat : I sal hev them cowd shivvers az suar az A'm wick- Shut that door, and goa get spooin an t'glass It's time tha' did summat for 't sake ov thee wife, A've waited fer gruel this haar an a hawf, I sal fade like a cannel et bottom or t'stick, Be quick wi' that glass, an bring me sum toast, I feel fit ta sink through ma chair. It' a queer piece or bizziness (said John tull hizsen) « Shoo's bin cryin aght fer this last twenty years, Wal hear a'm hawf pined, 'an get nowt but crusts. |