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Lord Shaftesbury.

The history of this nobleman, in the Biographia Britannica, is a mere panegyric on him. A bonmot of himself conveys the truest idea of his character. Charles the Second said to him one day, "Shaftesbury, I believe thou art the wickedest fellow in my dominions." He bowed and replied, "Of a subject, sir, I believe I am."

Good Repartee.

A gentleman, says a late London paper, walking past Westminster bridge, inquired how the bridge answered. The reply was ready and witty-" If you'll step to the gate, you'll be toll'd."

New Way to Pay Old Debts.

A fire happening at a public house, a man, passing at the time, entreated one of the firemen to play the engine upon a particular door, and backed his request by the bribe of a shilling. The fireman consequently complied, upon which the arch rogue exclaimed, "You've done what I never could do: for, egad, you've liquidated my score!"

Smart Retort.

Lord B wore his whiskers extremely large. Curran meeting him, "Pray, my lord," said he, "when do you intend to reduce your whiskers to the peace establishment?" "When you, Mr. Curran," said his lordship, "put your tongue upon the civil list."

Bruising Match.

A provincial paper, giving an account of a bruising match between two men of the names of Hill and Potter, concluded by saying,—" That after six, teen rounds, Hill beat his antagonist hollow."

The Rising Generation.

A methodist parson observed, in one of his discourses, that "such was the change in the public manners of the nation, that the rising generation rarely lie down till three o'clock in the morning."

Orthography.

The following correspondence occurred lately :Mr. P.'s compliments to Mr. Q., and thinks it unnecessary his piggs should go through his ground.' Whereupon Mr. Q. replied thus; Mr. Q.'s compliments to Mr. P., and thinks it unnecessary to spell pigs with two gees."

The Miser's Advice.

The following advice was left by a miser to his nephew: Buy your coals in summer; your furniture at auctions, about a fortnight after quarter-day; and your books at the fall of the leaf.'

Advertisement.

Some years ago, there appeared in the English papers an advertisement, which much resembles our notions of an Irish bull, in these words, which are the title to the advertisement:- Every man his own washer-woman!

The Worst of all Crimes.

An old offender being asked, whether he had committed all the crimes laid to his charge? answered," I have done still worse-I suffered myself to be apprehended."

Welsh Tourists.

A Welsh tourist, among many other judicious observations, remarked, that the mad-house of Lanark was in a very crazy state.

Charity known by its Fruits.

An ill-natured cynic said that the charity of a beneficent neighbour was induced by a wish to be extolled. "Ay, sir," said the object of the charity, "if we see the hands of the clock go right, we are very sure that the mechanism inside cannot be going very wrong."

Sensibility.

A lady who had pretensions to the most refined feelings, went to her butcher, to remonstrate with him on his cruel practices. "How," said she," can you be so barbarous as to put innocent little lambs to death?" "Why not, madam?" said the butcher; you wouldn't eat them alive, would you?"

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Trade.

A gentleman passing Milford church-yard, a few days since, observing the sexton digging a grave, addressed him with "Well, how goes trade in your line, friend?" "Very dead, sir!" was the reply.

Selden.

When the learned John Selden was a member of the assembly of divines at Westminster, who were appointed to new-model religion, he delighted to puzzle them by curious quibbles. Once they were gravely engaged in determining the exact distance between Jerusalem and Jericho; and one of them, to prove it could not be great, observed, "That fish were carried from one place to the other." On which Selden observed, "Perhaps it was salt fish ;" which again threw the assembly into doubt.

Gratifying Reflection.

An English baronet, being asked when he should finish his house, ingenuously answered, "Sir, it is a question whether I shall finish my house, or my house finish me."

Alderman Wood.

A certain alderman, when young, was thought clever at carving figures from wood. He was asked from whence he copied them? "Nowhere," said the worthy dignitary; "I made 'em all out of my own head."

Thus Pallas sprang from brains of Jove.

Mathematical Wind.

One morning, after a tempestuous night, during which several trees were rooted up, Dr. Vince, of Cambridge, met a friend, who said, "Good morning, doctor; a terrible wind this!" "Yes, sir," replied the doctor, smiling; "quite a mathematical wind, for I see it has extracted several roots!"

Lord Clonmel.

The late Lord Clonmel, who never thought of đe. manding more than a shilling for an affidavit, used to be well satisfied provided it was a good one. In his time the Birmingham shillings were current, and he used the following extraordinary precaution to avoid being imposed upon by taking a bad one :~~ "You shall true answer make to such questions as shall be demanded of you touching this affidavit, so help you God. Is this a good shilling? Are the contents of this affidavit true? Is this your name and handwriting?"

Bon-Mot of George IV.

The late king, when prince of Wales, attending Lewes races, one day, when a drenching rain kept away the greater part of the expected attendants, on its being observed how few of the nobility had been upon the course, "I beg pardon," said the prince; "I think I saw a very handsome sprinkling of the nobility."

Welsh Gentility.

When James I. was on the road near Chester, he was met by such numbers of the Welsh, who came out of curiosity to see him, that, the weather being dry, and the roads dusty, he was nearly suffocated He was completely at a loss in what manner to get rid of them civilly; at last one of his attendants, putting his head out of the coach, said, "It is his majesty's pleasure that those who are the best gentlemen shall ride forwards." Away scampered the Welsh, and but one solitary man was left behind.

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