with a limited establishment of domestics, amongst whom he possessed, I verily believe, the plainest maid-servant in all England. Ugliness was out of the question that has its expression and its interest, which may become even painful or fearful; whereas, the longer you looked at Sally's countenance, the more ordinary it appeared. Lavater himself would have been puzzled to find in it any physiognomical character. It was as plain as a hard dumpling, and as insipid as gruel without sugar or salt. There was not a single line or marking in the whole visage to redeem it from the vacancy of a blank commonplace-book—it was universally flat and barren of meaning-as plain as Salisbury Plain-without a Stonehenge. Her figure was made to match. Her body would have done for a quadruped as well as for a biped, for it had no waist in the middle, and was furnished with limbs so unshapely, that her arms would have served for legs, and her legs for arms. Her feet were peculiar, and the pattern they would have stamped on a soft sand, would have deserved a patent for originality. As to the other extremities I am not naturalist enough to know whether there be amongst animals any physical gradation of hands into paws, but if there be, her hands were of that intermediate order, with five fingers a-piece which seemed to have degenerated, or rather to have been aggravated into thumbs, and moreover each member was enveloped in a skin red as beet and of a texture to have rasped away the stoutest towelling. In short, she seemed to have been created expressly for a maid of all work to some utilitarian-not for show, but use-not very sightly, but very serviceable-like the ancient tnrnspits.

:

To her master she was invaluable being not only sober, honest, and industrious, but frugal, steady, and above all, accustomed to his odd ways and whims, which she had learned to suit during a five years' service.

Judge, then, of my astonishment, when on dining, tếte-àtête, with my friend Horace, the old familiar face, whose plainness had invariably been attendant on the plain dinner, was deficient! Such a domestic phenomenon it was impossible to observe without comment; and when the cloth had been

VOL. JII.

69

removed I ascertained that Sally had been parted with: but for some mysterious reason which her master did not seem inclined to communicate.

There was another contingency, though it seemed idle to mention it. Was she married? »

"Married! my dear fellow, did you ever look at her face? Why it was as plain as the plain Staffordshire-ware-the dirty yellow sort without a sprig of pattern!»

And his eyes became fixed, as if he really saw that homely face before him, while he went on talking, or rather thinking aloud.

Marry her? No, no-Nature had forbidden the banns. No man with eyes in his head would have dreamt of it—so thoroughly homely! And then that coarse, clumsy, red, rough, huckaback hand! »

Yes-it was coarse, red, and clumsy enough. I have often noticed it as she waited at table. "

"

You have? said, he, rather eagerly. And did you ever think of kissing it?».

No-most certainly. ".

་

I have, said he,

and what is more, have been within

an ace of doing it. Though it must have been— » ·

And he again relapsed into his abstraction, and looked as if he saw that red, right hand before him.

"

-Though it must have been like kissing a grater. »

I looked steadily at the speaker; but he was perfectly serious, indeed he was little given to jokes practical or verbal. He was quite in earnest, therefore, about the salute, though what it had to do with poor Sally's dismissal was beyond conjecture. However, by dint of pressing, I extracted the

truth. He had discharged her for no fault on her side-it was all owing to a propensity of his own-which he bitterly anathematized, His confounded habit of speculating and theorizing even on matters of moonshine. »

"

"

་

Poor Sally said he, you know how homely she was. I need not describe her face-you must have looked and wondered at it often and often-for there could not be such another in Nature. For my own part she attracted me as much, or more than any of your professed beauties. And why not? she was as much a paragon in her own way as Marie Antoinette, or the Duchess of Devonshire. Well, from looking at her, I must needs begin speculating, like a dreaming fool as I am, if she could ever have found an admirer-whether, with all the diversity of human tastes, her form and features could ever have met with liking. Could a face of such vapid homeliness inspire a partiality? Was it possible, that it could find favour in the eyes even of the most coarse, vulgar, and unrefined of her own species-a Yorkshire ostler or a Paddington bargeman? Was it within probability that she had ever heard the slightest expression of admiration-the remotest approach to a personal compliment ?—even from the potboy? Never-never! And as to an offer, as it is called, the mere idea of suing for that red, stumpy, rough hand-but confound her hand! I'll tell you what, my dear fellow, I am convinced that some of our thoughts are neither more nor less than Diabolical Suggestions!»

It is a rather general opinion. »

What if that red, received a

«I am certain, at least, that only some demon of malice or mischief could have put into my head to inquire, I were suddenly to seize and imprint a kiss on scrubby hand?' She who probably had never salute since her childhood-not even from a tipsy hawbuck in fair-time-to receive such a love-token from a gentleman ? She, who from her teens, had never been addressed with love-nonsense, even by the baker or his journeyman, to receive a tacit declaration of the passion from her own master! The flutter there would be of new-born Vanity-the tumult of awakened Hope! In short, I went on in my own dreamy

way, speculating on the revolution in poor Sally's mind, the sudden change that might be wrought in all her old sentiments and feelings by such an extraordinary occurrence. And with any other man the foolish whim would have passed away, harmless, with the hour that gave rise to it; but it is my misfortune to be cursed with a memory, which Daguerreotypes every image, and stereotypes every hypothesis, however crude, vague, or idle, that it has once entertained. From that day forward the unlucky girl was associated with that confounded speculation, and the idea of that ridiculous manual experiment came up as regularly as my dinner. There she was, before me, with her plain unloveable face-and if she placed a dish or changed my plate-there was the red, scrubby hand-suppose I were to kiss it?»

«Ha ha ha! »

Yes, you may laugh; but you do not know the misery of such a besetting fancy. To be teased for hours by a haunting tune, or a nonsense verse is bad enough; but to be bored by your own thoughts for days, weeks, and months is intolerable. In fact, by the constant recurrence of the kissing notion, the mere sight of the coarse red hand begot a mechanical impulse that had to be resisted like a temptation. I have felt my lips, as it were, making themselves up for the actand the wonder is that I have never done it involuntarily; as, to a certainty, I must some day have done it deliberately to get rid of the torment of the suggestion. There was no alternative, therefore, but to banish the object; and accordingly under the pretence of reducing my establishment, poor Sally, with an excellent character for moral beauty, has been transferred to my sister in the country. »

Yes, and as a provision against any such temptations in future, you have wisely engaged a new maid, 'as lovely and loveable as Perdita, and as neat-handed 'neat-handed' as Phillis. »

Shortly after this conversation, I went to the Continent, where I remained for some years; and on my return, one of my first visits was to my friend Horace. He was at home, and as usual of a morning, in his little study, whence, after a short conversation, he proposed an adjournment to the draw

.

ing-room in the first-floor. Accordingly, still chattering, he led the way to the foot of the staircase, which I was about to ascend, when suddenly, in the very midst of a sentence, he hastily rushed past me, and ran, or rather flew, up the carpeted steps, three stairs at a time. always been, his character had hardly flight, and I hesitated to follow, till his voice came down from the top landing-place, earnestly begging me to excuse his rudeness, and promising an explanation.

Eccentric as he had prepared me for this

This, however, I had already forestalled, and so confidently, that on entering the drawing-room I seemed to see the figure of an alarmed female, in a morning wrapper and curl-papers, escaping by an opposite door. But there was neither opposite door nor disconcerted lady of the house: the only living figure in the room was Horace himself, looking rather flustered and foolish after his recent performance. As soon as he saw me he renewed his apologies, but in spite of the query in my face, the explanation was not forthcoming: he was evidently vexed and mortified, and when I directly applied for the promised elucidation, it was postponed till after our lunch, in the hope, perhaps, that the matter would escape my memory. But I was not to be so defrauded: the remembrance of former odd freaks, and the wild and whimsical theories in which they had originated, determined me to pluck out the heart of his mystery,-to obtain the solution of his acted riddle. I began, therefore, by congratulating him on his agility, of which he had furnished me with such a singular illustration; but this hint not taking effect, I fairly reminded him, that with all thanks for his hospitable refreshments, he had excited another appetite, which he was bound in honour to pacify, that the cravings of my curiosity remained to be appeased, and to forestal any wilful misapprehension of my meaning, I bummed a few bars of the popular melody- Sich a gettin' up Stairs!.

« Ah-it may be a joke to you," said Horace, looking very serious and frog-like; but it is death to me! My health, as you know is none of the strongest, and these violent exercises are not adapted to improve it!»